Five years ago, Josh was standing on a bridge, texting his brother a good-bye message. He had been severely depressed for months, and the counselling that he was receiving and medication he was on wasn’t helping much. “I had lost all sight of ever getting better, and of anything enjoyable I’d ever done,” he says.
He jumped.
But he didn’t die.
Despite breaking six ribs and puncturing a lung, he woke up in the water. Adrenaline and instinct led him to swim to a nearby platform, where he was soon picked up by emergency services – his brother had received his text and called 911.
Today, Josh is doing much better. But he wonders what would have happened if he’d reached out for help earlier, before his depression worsened. “I basically never talked about my emotions with anybody; I felt like I wanted to figure things out on my own,” he says. “It was only when I was obviously really sick and ill that I reached out, because I couldn’t pretend anymore.”
He now works for HeadsUpGuys, a website based out of the University of British Columbia that focuses on men and mental illness. The experience has changed his perspective on why he didn’t feel comfortable asking for professional help earlier.
“Before, I never even thought of mental health in terms of what it means to be a man. [Through my work I realized] that I probably never asked for help because of those male stereotypes,” he says. “We have 11 story videos and a whole bunch of blogs on the site, and basically every time it’s they didn’t talk about their emotions with anybody, they wanted to figure it out on their own. You hear the same story [over and over again], and it’s my story too.”
Suicide is often thought of as a gender-neutral issue, but in reality, it’s a problem that affects men far more than women. Three times as many Canadian men kill themselves every year than women do – in Ontario, that means more men are dying from suicide than from car accidents.
That’s why many argue that suicide prevention programs should recognize that men are a high risk group and tailor messaging and programming to them. That’s starting to happen, with websites like HeadsUpMen and groups like Men’s Sheds, which offer a space and tools where men can gather to work on projects and make connections. Many of these are partially funded by the Movember Foundation, a men’s health organization, which has highlighted male suicide as one of its key areas of investment.
Deadly choices
Women are actually more likely to try to kill themselves – three to four times more likely. But men are more likely to die from it. That’s a pattern that holds true across Canada, and in most of the rest of the world as well.
That’s mainly due to two things: “One is that men use more lethal means [to attempt suicide], and the second is that they don’t seek care as much,” says Simon Hatcher, vice-chair of research for the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Ottawa.
Men are more likely to use firearms and other deadly methods, while women are more likely to use pills. These differences might be because men are more comfortable with guns. Or it might be that, as some researchers have suggested, they’re choosing more extreme methods because they’re more suicidal in the first place.
Is masculinity getting in the way of getting help?
Having mental health issues is a major predictor for suicide – almost everyone who dies from suicide has an underlying mental health problem. “Ninety percent of people who die by suicide are experiencing some sort of mental illness or addiction, most often depression,” says Ed Mantler, vice president of programs and priorities at the Mental Health Commission of Canada. But not everyone with mental illness kills themselves. So what distinguishes those who do from those who don’t?
One thing is a strong support system. There’s evidence that men who adhere more strongly to masculine ideals see getting psychological help more negatively. That can result in their feelings building up without an escape valve – either a personal one, through talking with friends and family, or a professional one, through therapy or other mental health services – and can escalate to a crisis point. Studies show that in the year before they killed themselves, only 35 percent of men saw a mental-health practitioner, while 58 percent of women did.
“If a guy says, well my sense of being a man means that I can’t disclose any vulnerabilities, because that will make me look weak, if something [like depression] does come up, what do I do with that? I have to keep it to myself,” says John Oliffe, founder and lead investigator of the Men’s Health Research program at UBC.
He also questions the commonly held belief that women are more likely to suffer from mental illness than men are. “Historically these numbers have been bandied about – that women have twice the rate of depression, but men have higher rates of suicide,” he says. “But when you look more into contemporary epidemiological research, the numbers start to look a little different.”
That’s especially true when you consider that men’s symptoms of depression may be different than women’s. Instead of crying more, for example, Oliffe’s research has shown that increased anger, risk taking, irritability and substance abuse might be more common signs of depression in men. “Men will talk about not being able to sleep, about back pain, but they won’t say they’re feeling sad and incompetent,” says Julie Campbell, executive director of the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.
They do, however, interact with their primary care providers: Most men who kill themselves have seen their family doctor within the month. A new online course, certified by the College of Family Physicians of Canada, hopes to better educate family physicians about signs of suicide and depression in both men and women.
“Quite often we hear from family physicians that they’re reluctant to even ask questions [about mental health]. If your doctor doesn’t ask the question, it’s unlikely that most of us would volunteer that information,” says Mantler. “So providing physicians with the knowledge to have that conversation is important.”
Vulnerable groups
Some sub-groups of men are also more vulnerable to suicide: gay and transgender men, Indigenous men and those vulnerable to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, such as first responders and soldiers. Men who are in a lower socioeconomic class are also more likely to try to kill themselves.
Early life experiences also play a role: Having parents who separated early in their lives and a family history of suicide are much more predictive of men dying from suicide than they are for women.
And age is a factor. While suicide is often thought of as a young person’s problem, across Canada, Britain and the U.S., the group most likely to kill themselves are actually middle aged men. Nine of every 100,000 men 15 to 19 died of suicide, while 28 of every 100,000 who are 45 to 54 did. (The rate for women 45 to 54 is only 8.5 of 100,000.)
“It’s a bit of a myth that the most prevalent group is young people,” says Robert Whitley, Principal Investigator of the Social Psychiatry Research and Interest Group at McGill’s Douglas Hospital Research Center. “If you zero in on why it’s so high in the 40 to 60 age group, one of the key theories is that that’s an age where many men become unemployed or divorced.”
Job losses increase the risk of suicide two- or three-fold, and men who are single, widowed or divorced are more likely to kill themselves. Relationship breakdowns like divorce are more likely to lead men to suicide than women, possibly because women tend to have close same-sex friendships throughout their lives, while men’s same-sex friendships fade after 30.
“What’s common is that many people felt they had a sense of predictability, meaning and purpose [in their jobs, marriages or role as a father.] There’s a sense that the carpet is being pulled out from under their feet, and a sense of alienation. Suddenly they feel completely rejected and misunderstood,” says Whitley
Solutions to prevent suicides
The big picture answer to this problem, says Oliffe, is addressing the issue of masculinity in our culture. “I really do think our society and culture needs to take collective responsibility in redefining what it means to be a man,” he says. He’s hopeful that the image of men needing to be “the sturdy oak” is diminishing in younger generations.
Campbell agrees – and says those shifts need to be embraced by women, too. “Men need to learn to do things differently, but women are not that comfortable with these changes. We always say that men should be able to cry more, but it’s any man but our man. We’re still a bit stuck in those roles, and we need to work on each side.”
Simply being aware of gender in our research and our approaches is another key step. “To ask, are there times where we need to have different approaches in men and women? Even that is very powerful,” says Joy Johnson, vice-president of research at Simon Fraser and formerly the Scientific Director for the Institute of Gender and Health at the Canadian Institutes of Health Research. “We need to start to systematically think about an approach that could reach out to men and boys.”
That might mean focusing on suicide prevention strategies like limiting access to firearms. Or it might be offering programming that’s different than traditional face-to-face therapy.
Some examples exist from around the world: The U.S. Air Force successfully dropped suicide levels beginning in the 1990s by setting up 11 initiatives which normalize distress, encourage seeking help and educate leadership about warning signs of suicidality. After the program started, the mean suicide rate dropped from 3 per 100,000 to 2.4 per 100,000.
When Ireland had a spike in men’s suicides, they adopted Australian’s Men’s Sheds initiative, where men gather to complete projects and chat, reducing isolation in older and unemployed men in particular. Canada has also recently started embracing men’s sheds. (There is evidence that the sheds reduce isolation, though their direct effect on mental health is still unproven.)
Offering more mental health resources online and through apps might be one way to make those services more attractive to men. “Online approaches for most men work much better. We need to give them a mechanism to find out answers on their own before they’re ready to seek help,” says Johnson. “And there is a real bias towards cognitive behavioural therapy, because it’s action oriented – you create plans, you do things. The nice thing about that is it can be offered online, too.”
The number of websites tailored to men’s mental health is growing. #SickNotWeak, which was created by sports journalist Michael Landsberg, encourages users to talk about mental illness. Kids Help Phone started a “BroTalk” portal in 2015, that’s tailored to teenage men. And Head’s Up Guys, which is based out of UBC and which Oliffe consulted on, has seen 350,000 visitors since it launched in 2015. He hopes its simple design and action-oriented terms – like “act early and decisively” or “get the upper hand on depression early” – will help men feel more comfortable.
“We have very purposeful language,” says Oliffe. “We speak to guys directly, and use language that doesn’t complicate their health and (doesn’t) complicate what depression is.” Some 40,000 visitors to the site have used its self-check section, which asks about symptoms of depression. Exact numbers aren’t available yet, but many of the site’s users reported feeling suicidal every day.
A similar site in the U.S., called Man Therapy, uses humour to make men more comfortable with talking. It highlights messages like “a moustache is no place to hide your emotions” and “sometimes a man just needs a pork shoulder to cry on,” and features informative videos from “Dr. Rich Mahogany.” The site includes personal stories from men who have overcome mental illness and a self-assessment tool for depression and anxiety – what it calls a “head inspection” – and directs people to self-help resources, crisis hotlines, and local therapists.
Within 18 months after launch, the site had had more than 350,000 visitors, nearly 60,000 of whom completed the “head inspection.” Some 17 percent said the thing they liked most about the site was that it was manly. Fifty one percent of people who answered a pop-up survey on the site said they were more likely to seek help after visiting it. It was co-created by the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment and a marketing company, and versions have since spread to other parts of the U.S. and to Australia. It has also been customized for first responders.
And of course, the last part of this is making sure that mental health resources are there for the men and women who do reach out by investing more in mental health, especially psychotherapy.
“People are always contacting me, like ‘I need some help, but I can’t pay,’ and I’m handcuffed, there’s no one to send them to,” says Oliffe. “But the main problem is that men aren’t coming through the door in the first place.”
If you are feeling suicidal, click here for a list of resources in your area.
The comments section is closed.
I’m a white man. At 42, I’m successful in my career and financially well off. I’m married, have two children and three step children. I’m the primary breadwinner. If I am as brutally honest, what I really want in life is this: to ensure my family is fully provided for and then to die. I feel largely irrelevant, that my stories are dull, my complaints distasteful whining at best, expressing my point of view an imposition that pushes aside others whose voices ought to be heard.
I can recognize my value in providing for my family and in offering professional advice within my field of work. When that’s gone… well, I think I’d rather be dead than useless.
Even writing this, I cringe a little, at the thought of someone reading my whiney, sulky blatherings. “Cry me a river, rich white guy,” is what the voice in my head says. To be clear: I’m in favor of more equality, more representation, more different kinds of voices being heard. I despise the various subcultures that would turn back the clock on women’s rights and civil rights. I firmly believe we need to go further along that journey.
Where I get to is this: I experience my own value in very transactional terms (though I don’t assess the value of others in that way). I feel the weight of responsibility associated with my position of privilege. I feel the responsibility to do my best to stay in my lane. Of course I fail in all this all the time, and I’ll mull those failures over for months trying to figure how to not screw up the same way again. And really it’s all got the feel of the parts of a marathon where you press harder and try to pass out at the finish line instead of at mile 18.
Hi James,
Your suffering is real independent of your race, or financial position. I didn’t read this thinking that you were being whiny, I read this wondering, ‘who or what made you feel like your feelings and stories don’t matter?’ How long have you felt this way? Being wealthy doesn’t cure you of how you feel. The fact that you’re white doesn’t mean you can’t have had traumatic experiences growing up, nor that there couldn’t be intergenerational trauma in your family. I find it really sad that so much of identity politics has made people less compassionate and empathetic rather than more. Why do you feel that your race, gender and financial position means that you don’t have the right to feel what you’re feeling, to express it and to seek help? Please be kind to yourself.
Take care,
Andrew
Hey, everyone I definitely agree with this article the thing is a lot of people as a whole aren’t really respectful when a man shares his problems. Its either oh wow you’re so sensitive been there dealt with that or man up and blah blah blah. Which is very toxic you can’t call masculinity toxic when we are pushed in order to act this way if every single person you’ve opened up to replies to you in a disrespectful way and bashes you for feeling that way you’re bound to keep it to yourself. I haven’t met a single man that’s truly comfortable talking to their significant other about their issues or even crying on there shoulder yes you can say to man up but then don’t be shook when that man, man’s up and walks away or even ends it permanently. These negative actions push men to that extent all the time. When a man is born they’re told if they cry they’re weak as oppose to when a women is born they’re told it’s okay to cry. We need to change this I’ve known men who are now dead because of these issues because of being constantly told “man up”. Especially when it’s your significant other the worst thing you can do to them is tell them you should man up because what you’re implying is I don’t care about your feelings and your feelings aren’t valid. This is also why a lot of men don’t open up to their spouse or even cry at funerals. We all as a society need to do better because that’s how we will progress can’t expect a man to constantly help you with your issues when you can’t match energy. My ex did the same thing but when I matched energy I was viewed as toxic, manipulative and abusive. Treat others the same way you’d want to be treated.
I feel like misogyny and masculinity is the main reason that men commit suicide more than women. For example, gay men might commit suicide because they are seen as weak and “not masculine enough”. Straight men might commit suicide more because like you said they feel going to look for makes them weak. What I’m trying to say is it’s the patriarchy’s fault and as a feminist we need to put an end to it that way everyones problems are treated equally.
The circular logic here is stunning. . . On the other hand, I gotta hand it to ya Mariam, never let something like mass (male) suicides go by without cashing in on the political capital of the horror. Maybe, just maybe, men are killing themselves because the world has identified them as the fundamental problem for everything. The blanket discrimination of “patriarchy” causes men to kill themselves is just sick. This is classic victim shaming and repugnant opportunism. “Well sir, I know that you lost your child, but you’ll be happy to know that the depression is actually not about your dead child – it’s actually about the historical repression of women . . . So, there! Problem solved. Yay!” “Oh , and you there – I know that you were robbed of everything you ever had, and now your ever-faithful wife has left you for the next meal ticket because you don’t have money or a job anymore – and of course you are too old to re-skill. I know that seems like the cause of your pain – but – what is really getting you down is the toxic male attitude toward women – known and unknown”.
It never ceases to amaze me that “Critical is so truly uncritical”. (Cue “Onward Christian Soldiers”)
In your discussion on vulnerable groups, it is interesting that you didn’t mention middle-aged White men. In the U.S. at least, they are the population most likely to commit suicide.
I’m 36 and divorced. I lost all of my male friends both during and after my divorce as we all grew older and took on more responsibilities. My health has declined and I’ve lost nearly all of the vision in my right eye due to a disease that could have been prevented had I been more diligent with my eye exams and took better care of myself. This disability will likely cause me to lose my job as a train operator. Regret is the first thing on my agenda everyday I wake up.
My sister was also depressed, and had absolutely no intension or suicidal ideation, for months. Shortly after taking anti-depressants, she attempted suicide. She said she did not feel like herself, and was more of an observer of herself when she attempted. She also said she had thoughts about killing her partner too. She said both thoughts/experiences went away after stopping the anti-depressants. She’s still depressed, but again, no suicidal ideation whatsoever, and no thoughts of hurting her partner. She’s in her 50s. These doctors are trying their best, but they have no idea of the chemistry that goes into these anti-depressants, and how they interact with the brain. How could they know? They depend on the Pharmaceutical companies’ “knowledge”. The main thing out of all of this, is the fact that none, or very few, of these accounts of suicide attempts are tied back to the medication. We talked about this afterwards, and she said she was sure nobody reported the correlation. At least nobody acknowledge the correlation, or mentioned they’d report that aspect of her experience.
Seeing your name on here made me burst into tears. The name of the man i probably could have saved …Sadly, he took his own life. Was a single father and the most loving strong intelligent fun big hearted sweet individual and an amazing father. Never got the chance to tell him i loved him. Could i have saved him??? why the hell didnt i see it
I’ve never been sick my entire life and so I’ve never needed health insurance. The only time I ever needed healthcare was when someone ran me over (car/bike hit run) when I was training for a triathlon. That cost a lot of money and since then I’ve had to pay for health consequences but other than that I’ve never needed healthcare. And I don’t think I will ever need healthcare except for this thing that someone else did. I’m sick of that age discrimination especially since I never would’ve had to see doctors or go to clinics except for that person running me over. So I don’t deserve that category or the stereotypes. It was almost like they needed somebody in my age range to get into that buttonhole. the healthcare statistics but I wouldn’t of ever needed to see a doctor probably for the rest of my life. I have incredibly low cholesterol and the new doctor hasnt checked it for six years. Who knows where I stand healthwise because I can’t afford it because I’m a (small business owner) so I can’t afford doctors or clinics. that’s a luxury. This is something we need to bring attention to. There’s a whole population of people in America who don’t want to pay for health insurance because it’s thousands of dollars a month and they live on such a shoestring but they make just a little bit more than the public health care. So if you are 50+ And it costs1500 a month and you weren’t sick why would you do that? Nobody will do that. The whole thing is just really screwed up. The bottom line is you can’t get sick because you can’t afford it and if someone else runs you over or messes up your body and you can’t pay for it you just have to live with it. Or you have to sell everything you have. You sell your house you sell your vacation property you sell your kids college you sell everything you have because that’s what you have to do if you want to fit that category of disabled and get the benefits for that and nobody wants that but if you do prepare to sell everything you have to get help .Some people think they’re better off killing themselves than doing that. We don’t have the greatest society for healthcare.
Yup. I feel you man
Stop this bullshit.
The main reason why men kill themselves is because the world treats men like shit, and the main reason why men don’t seek help is because the world treats men who do like shit trying to climb your leg. The right-hand rule for telling apart compassionate and victim-blaming approaches to male suicide is this: if the message is addressed to the man and says “you should swallow your toxic masculine pride and ask for help”, it’s the victim-blaming approach. If the message is addressed to the world and says “stop treating men like shit, and stop treating men who seek help as if they were shit trying to climb your leg”, it’s the compassionate approach.
I totally agree. I’ve had a few therapists that were extremely harsh. They basically told me “to just grow up” without any deeper consideration or effort.
The following draft was written by my nephew and left in an open window on his computer. It was still there when police found him a few days ago. We thought it best to allow it to be sent on to you.
“I think it’s important to mention that when men DO mention thoughts of suicide, they’re told to “man up”, or “quit crying”.
I reported thoughts of suicide to my mental health professional after beginning anti-depressants. She nodded, wrote out a “new dosage”, and asked me to sign a release…. which began “I hearby relieve the Office of _______ of any wrong-doing in the events that I take my own life____”. I refused to sign and stormed out. I got home and realized that the “new dosage” Had DOUBLED what I’d been taking. I followed the new dosage though, because she was a doctor after all. A week later I’d hung myself. Only a passerby heard the chair hit the floor, cut me down, and began CPR.
That’s why men die more.
More recently I was on a date. And this was a big deal for me. I always decline when I’m asked out, because I’m tired of bloody noses. (I was left a Virgin by my childhood sweetheart, who became my fiancé. She’d wanted to wait…just not for me,Aparently. Becoming pregnant months before the wedding. This left me a 21 year old virgin- and “on the shelf”, as they used to say. Since then women have hit on me constantly…till they found that out.) A man I knew in passing saw us and came up to our table, asking her if “the sex with the Virgin had been any good”. She looked shocked. And I knew then what was comming, it’s why I never let them find out with heavy or sharp objects around…
A full Heavy plate of food came flying and smacked me in The face, busting my nose and blacking both my eyes. “I haven’t got time to teach a boy to f***!”, she screamed at me before storming out. I paid the bill and left to the jeers of the other patrons. Later that night, she began texting me Sex videos filmed with the man who had come to the table. I’m 36…and I’ve had enough”.
It should be mentioned that when police arrived for the welfare check, butcher knives had been left stuck in his front door, and hatemail in the mailbox. Piles more on the table inside. Such was life for a very sweet boy, cursed with the same name as a celebrity.
Thank you. Very insightful.
Masculinity absolutely isn’t getting in the way; prohibition of its practice is.
In the same period that muh toxig masgulinity became a trope, suicides and overall male depression had done nothing but rise, and this phenomena isn’t isolated to men. Women are killing themselves at higher rates as society tells them how horrible men are.
The notion a man kills himself because it is seen as gauche to cry in public is absolutely absurd. It’s that he can’t cry not all the factors that makes him want to cry.
I’m an adult male survivor of child molestation that lasted years. At the hands of my mother and two older female cousins. In the fourth grade, I told a school counselor what was happening. She didn’t believe me. Didn’t do anything. Years later, I sought mental health counseling. My therapist explained to me that men technically couldn’t be “raped.” She went on and on about the legal definition of rape and why I was being insensitive for using the term.
Years later still, failing to deal well with the fallout of years-long childhood abuse, I joined an online support group for adult survivors of childhood rape. I was the only man in the group. I shared my story. I never heard a peep from anyone. But the woman sharing right after me–in the thread I’d started–mentioned she’d been molested as a girl BUT had received lots of support and was doing well now. Immediately, her comment elicited an avalanche of support–heart and hugs emoticons, even invitations to talk on the phone if she needed. That was my second similar experience in an online support environment in two years. It was just after New Year’s 2020.
I’ve been suicidal since college. I’ve followed the standard advice to reach out for help. I’ve been in various professional therapy settings. I’ve had several psychiatrists and followed their prescribed drug regimens. I’ve done CBT and DBT. But no one wants to hear about a middle-aged adult man who’s still suffering from the after-effects of childhood molestation. I’ve even had female friends ridicule me: “Ha. Now you have a glimpse of what we experience.” Said without an ounce of compassion. Each time, I feel worse and worse–like I’m not really a human being. Like no one cares about my suffering.
My experience of reaching out is that WHO you are often determines others’ initial response to you AND professionals’ interventions for you. I’m sick of hearing/reading that my “toxic masculinity” is responsible for my poor mental health. Beyond the implicit insult, this “explanation” is often used to dismiss the suffering of people whom others may just care about less. In the dozens of times I’ve tried to reach out about being sexually molested as a child (and twice as an adult), NEVER has anyone listened actively to me. NEVER has anyone offered sincere, meaningful compassion (not an anonymous, self-congratulatory online “that’s too bad…”). And in more examples than I can count, when the next person in the same setting to share happens to have a different gender than me, the sympathy and support and validation that flow have made it impossible to ignore the antipodal differences in how we’ve been treated.
Many other men I’ve known and shared this story with have recounted their own analogous experiences. An important reason many men like me stop opening up is because, after decades of being ignored or ridiculed, we learn that, contrary to the PC rhetoric we read in published articles or hear in polite public forums, we simply don’t matter. Because we happen to be males. Maybe things are slowly changing. But for many of us, the changing attitudes just aren’t prevalent enough yet. One thing we could do culturally is stop the implicit blame of men for their suicides, instead offering men discussing their serious problems a non-judgmental, safe, validating environment to open up.
Let me be the first to commend your bravery and express my appreciation for your experience.
It is deeply concerning to hear not only of the terrible violations you have endured, but of the subsequent dismissal and even ridicule of your pain- the notion that someone would even attempt to rub salt in wounds of this nature chills me to the bone.
For what it’s worth, it matters very much to me, and is totally valid, even though we have yet to meet.
Your opinion and experience is valuable and eye-opening; I was not cognizant of the disparity in response in regards to male vs. female molestation/rape, although considering present, ubiquitous societal tropes concerning the sexes I am disappointingly unsurprised.
Bringing attention to this issue is an endeavour of great importance, and underlines a desperate need in society; thank you.
I have suffered with depression through late adolescence and into my contemporary life (I am a 28-year-old male). Since around age 24 I have contemplated suicide deeply.
My reasons for gazing into the abyss are centered mostly around my poor physical health/chronic pain and subsequent poverty, loneliness and isolation. In addition I can’t help but feel that my hedonistic (if you will) philosophy isn’t doing much to keep my neck free of constriction.
If you read this message, I cordially invite you to add me on Facebook: Max Millman (the only Max Millman that is a drum tutor on facebook!)
You forget that men seeking help are less likely to be taken seriously. Especially in cases where he is abused by his wife. Not only will he not be taken seriously even if anything is done it will be minimal for the abusive wife. This is what society, social media, and the law promote on both levels to the extent that he feels no other option.
This is so true that man don’t express their feelings. My husband took his life after I decided to leave him due to his addiction to sex and porn. I took care of him for twenty two years knowing of his problem. After my breast cancer I thought he will finally stop to reduce the stress on me but he didn’t and it made me very resentful and angry. I stayed for additional five years to see if you would change but he didn’t. I was finally done so I wanted a divorce and he didn’t want a divorce. After 26 days of being separated he took his life after talking to me for couple of hours to stay married to him but I said no. His parents and our children blamed me and took to court. I have been fighting them for the past 10 months. I have been accused of everything possible. I loved him very much and hope he told me that he was depress and I would have helped him. I would have never asked for divorce if I knew that he was unable to live without me. Very sad life I am living
Addictions are a way of filling a void. Depression is usually a part of that void. I don’t know you nor the whole story. But from what you’ve said even if you would have stayed he would not have changed. Stop punishing yourself. The truth is 80% of suicides are men and it’s not because of masculinity they don’t reach out. It’s because of shame. Society, social media, and the law shame men constantly and send confusing messages. You were not responsible for his actions. Move on with your life. You may have been the reason he lived but you were not the reason you died and you were both suffering and that’s no way to live. Men and women have been manipulated to battle each other and as a result you get men committing suicide because they feel that is the only option. I hope you get better.
Man kills himself. Women most affected.
Im 12 and thought about suicide but this helped me to now that I whold be making my cuson suffer even more than I did thank you.
I quit drinking I no longer obsess about drinking. But the thought of suicide has replaced that it seems. Then I cry and feel better. Crying seems to release the sadness. I know I am loved. So why do I joke about this sensitive topic?
Joking is a way to mask the pain and make light of a subject that is overwhelming you. Alcohol was a way to fill the void and distract yourself. Now that void is no longer being filled and the suicidal thoughts take it’s place. I was there. Those feelings of suicide are dark and empty. Are you alone, lonely, feel like you have no control. I did. I realized that suicide gave me an option to feel like I had control. Like there was always a way out of that dark place. I never acted upon it. I found a reason to live by realizing that my purpose was what I had been experiencing. If I could crawl out of that hole I could help other men do the same. It took a long time but I finally crawled out and walked away from the ledge. You can too. There answer is within you.Find other men to bond with. Find support groups. Get away from anyone negative and move forward slowly. When you realize your purpose you will understand that you have been training for this your entire life. It’s emotional bootcamp. Keep moving forward and realize the pain will subside as you keep training and get stronger. This too will pass. My place to exist with purpose is anger management. I went so many times they trained me to be a specialist. Now I help men with not only knowledge but insight from experience. Just know you’re not alone. I don’t know you but I have your back. I may not be local but there are others that can be there for you. Don;t be afraid to reach out and find someone you can express your feelings with. I actually found a woman’s shelter that accepted me and gave me council. Not common. But I looked until I found help. Never give up.
hi i am working on a project i was wondering if i could ask you some questions about it. thank you
Hi. What is it about?
I think this article avoids the elephant in the room that is family courts that discriminate against men, and encourage predatory behavior in women.
The problem is not the Family Courts but the Female Plaintiff Attorneys that educate women on how a Domestic Violence Protection Order DVPO claim will reward them with possession of the Home, Custody and Child Support. The attorney of course is rewarded with high fees.
The father is acceptable colleteral damage. Sorry if you are a father who’s life has been destroyed by these tactics, experiencing isolation and the feeling of being victimised.
It was intentionally done.
Its a Booming Industry.
You are absolutely correct. Men are used as utility and disposable. I experienced having the kids and saw it from that side of how she got away with lesser payments of child support and less restrictions on her behavior from false accusations to property damage. I had evidence and it was ignored. Just because of her tears. That trumped all.
The real res on that men kill themselves is because the Canadian family law system….discriminates against fathers.
No one will touch this issue because the family law rules were written by right wing feminists….
Only deep thorough research will expose this.
The rate of fathers commiting suicide due to the abuse they suffer in the family court system could be as high as 90% of male suicide’s directly linked to this problem.
It is not a problem that is isolated to only Canada…its a world wide epidemic.
Well being single and alone all the time which unfortunately may have a lot to do with it, especially for those without a love life.
That where social media is lot to blame as women have unrealistic demands of men.lots of lonely men without a love life passed over for some guy with no personality and gym body etc.
Dr. Whitley notes that one theory why the suicide rate is so high in the 40 to 60 age group is because that’s an age where many men become unemployed or divorced.
I think one reason for the sharp increase in midlife suicides and the surging number of midlife divorces are due to a common, under-recognized, young-onset dementia called frontotemporal dementia (FTD), whose onset is often called a “midlife crisis” or misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder, usually depression, anxiety or late-onset bipolar disorder. Unmonitored, unmedicated patients drink excessively and take drugs in order to feel better leading others to think they have turned into alcoholics.
This disease destroys morals, empathy and inhibitions NOT memory or intellect so it goes undetected.
These guys suddenly leave their decades-long marriage to chase young girls due to the hypersexual component of the disease. The wives divorce them. They spend lots of money and end up bankrupt.
They are fired for poor job performance due to loss of executive skills, or they are fired for inappropriate behavior such as swearing, stealing, sexual harassment or angry outbursts.
These guys experience wild mood swings becoming euphoric or enraged one moment and very sad the next. I think they kill themselves in the depressive state.
Over 1/2 of the behavioral variant people start committing crimes for the first time in their lives such as shoplifting, embezzling and traffic violations, including road rage. I think studies should be done on middle-aged men with no violent history who suddenly attack and/or kill their wives. Family members have reported, “he acted like a man possessed” and “never in her wildest dreams would she thought he was capable of that.”
I think they kill themselves in a depressed state, but kill others in a manic, enraged fury.
doing an essay on suicide prevention and wondered if anyone could help me get some good statistics and help me with specific cases of suicide and ways of preventing suicide.
Thank you this help me on my speech to my class in my english 11 class it was quite interesting really.
Can i ask what you were talking about specifically in your English speech in class.
That age gap 40-60 …..because after 50 , the second chances that youth used to provide ….. ARE GONE . fyi = turned 50 2/12/19
Hope you’re okay. That you found help.
This idea that men have a safe place to report suicidal feelings is insane. Try telling a doctor or a priest you are considering chewing on a gun barrel, taking an O.D. , or hanging your self, and you’ll have have a SWAT team kicking down your door before you know it. There is no privacy or confidentiality.
The sad thing in life for men is this: Men will almost forever think that we can’t cry, we can’t show our vulnerabilities, we can’t show any sad or depressed feelings to the world because we’ll feel like we’re going to be made fun of, insulted, mentally abused, etc. Us men feel the need to always be tough, no matter what happens, and sometimes we can do that,
some of us can’t keep it up like that our whole lives. It’s saddening to know that so many men feel this way, including me, feeling like we can do it, but then figuring out later that all the things that we’ve done were slowly destroying ourselves our whole lives. We then feel like we’re misunderstood, misused, left to die on the inside. It’s hard to deal and cope with, and most of us hate the fact that we have to feel like a “man” in order for us to feel better about ourselves.
For men the cause is not just depression but situational depression. The term is called FCDD. “family court disenfranchised disorder.” Family court literally destroys many mens lives
For teenage boys and girls the cause is not just depression but situational depression. The term is called NADD or NFD. “Never adopted disorder,” or “no father disorder.” Children born out of wedlock have no rights, hence the term illegitimate, and 70 % of children who grow up without fathers lived destroyed lives
all though these terms are made up, they describe the matters more accurately
Thank you… I’m sitting here right now targeted by my own self pity. This gives some hope.
Many men are topping themselves because they live in a society that keeps crapping all over them, and telling them that they are evil and responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world, yet it keeps expecting these same men to put their noses to the grindstone and do all the heavy lifting. Add in anti-male laws and divorce courts and a constant diet of misandry in the media and popular culture to the mix for added effect.
It’s a case of having all responsibilities, but no rights and no respect.
We keep endlessly talking about the problem of male suicide but then we have situations like this:
“People are always contacting me, like ‘I need some help, but I can’t pay,’ and I’m handcuffed, there’s no one to send them to,”
If we were truly serious about beginning to address the problem, then we would find a way to make sure that men get the help and therapy they need without worrying about whether they can pay or not.
Really? You are not sure why men end their lives at a certain age? At any moment my Male pattern baldness genes could kick in, making progressing in my career or finding a wife extremely difficult, and no one will care, and if I did end my life, I would be too ashamed to let that be the reason. Get serious.
Absolutely agree with this. I would never take my own life, but this is the only thing that made me consider it
Could it be you never hear about the attempts at suicide that men make.
Family court in this country is literally killing men. It’s destroying children lives and not only allowing women to abuse men but seems to encourage it. The lack of equality is a very depressing state of affairs. Just a small piece of evidence to thus fact is the brochure for a protection order. Yes it says these laws apply to men in the last sentences of the brochure but to look at he pictures of the 4 females of the cover and then read the brochure it’s hard to get a sense these laws apply for men. 25 year of 50/50 domestic abuse but not one shelter for men and children in this country
I get sick every time people call depression a mental Illness……I am depressed because I was raped when I was a 3 year old boy, not because my brain is diseased! That’s why I don’t care to seek any help.
I totally understand. Your mad, your angry and the stupid label society wants to put on you doesn’t fit. When I first spoke out about my abuse life just got worse but it’s the only way to heal your sole. We as men need to listen to each other and not be judgmental or afraid
The problem is that even when men reach out for help they get shouted down by everyone around them.. and now the world post 2014 has just gotten cruler and meaner and only getting worse as society divides more… even my parents have been turned against me and no one seems to care about anyone else even when your desperately trying to reach out for help…
I think if Psychiatry was not the model it is today, where every behaviour or word or human emotion is diagnosed as mental illness, which is worse than having a criminal record, more people would want to talk to someone.
The pills dished out, the silly diagnosis themselves cause more harm than good.
The problem is if any man mentions suicide, his feelings are validated by being able to ‘hold’ him. We need a system where much of human distress or thoughts, feelings are not made into pathological issues, but human issues.
Now everyone has to pretend they are superhuman. It helps to be in powerful positions since then you can hide by control.
Stigma is reignited by just talking about stigma. The very people that talk about reducing stigma are flaming fires. Stigma exists because of the silliest diagnosis. The man who wants to commit suicide does not need a diagnosis.
He does not even need control or pills. Those pills are the next biggest lie to the DSM.
Even the doctors don’t believe in that model. Suicide has always been around and is on the rise. It is not against the law.
It hurts families. But we can’t fix it with current models of psychiatry. The current model stinks and ruins lives forever.
The best fix is a close friend, but even they cannot prevent what is felt as a tragedy by those left behind.
It is extremely dangerous to prescribe any pills to a person in crisis. It is a well known fact that they do not work. Feelings are in movement, people grow, change is happening until we die. Diagnosis is useless because of the fluid nature of life.
We know by our intellect that psychiatry as a current model will not survive.
Intellect and a belief system and education are worlds apart.
Psychiatry needs to let the pen go and identify and open up to their equal which is a human being in pain across from them. They cannot stop a suicide anyway, so why not simply become a mensch. But then that is a personality thing and cannot be taught.
Men have been physically attacked for bring up male suicide in the past by feminists, this is manufactured issue. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iARHCxAMAO0
In my opinion, universities should have policies about who is allowed to speak and what type of speech is protected and what isn’t permitted. If a speaker is scheduled that people don’t like, they should be able to make a formal protest. This type of mob action is inappropriate.
maybe the suicide rate is so high because of the gender bias faced by men in our family court system….maybe we need to seek out that large elephant in the room and address/confront it head on.
100% agreed!!!! Maybe if the family courts would stop ripping families apart for their shareof the cash cow. Many men would live and thrive even in the most poverty stricken areas, why? Because they have meaning and don’t have a money hungry court system forcing young men and women to grow up without fathers.
This article contains good information and resources. As a mother of a son who died by suicide I would love to see these same experts and resources turn their expertise and research experience towards what I believe to be perhaps the biggest, darkest secret attached to suicide and the rising epidemic of it … MEDICATION!! The medication itself which is often prescribed as the save-all tool of treatment can help to contribute to suicide. This phenomena is under-reported and under-researched. Little or no data is collected on this. Prescription medication – whose packaging itself includes disclaimers of the adverse effects – can be, has been and is the culprit in an unknown % of suicide and suicide attempts. If we are going to tackle this growing epidemic head-on … let’s look at ALL potential contributing factors.
I’m sorry for your loss and in this world, being a man does kinda suck but your son shouldn’t feel like a failure. I know I’m not superman but I don’t discriminate. It’s hard to trust someone if you want to have to talk to someone. I have experienced suicidal thoughts myself and I’ve talked to someone about it despite being a man myself. Your son isn’t alone on this and shouldn’t have to be. Remember this, I’m only 21 and not 47. It doesn’t matter how old you are, people will try to attack you anyway they could.
Men try the more lethal way to end themselves
Women try the less lethal ways that even if worked have a higher chance of being saved
Also sorry for anyone who has suffered from a loved one dying I’ve had my teacher and close friends turn dark and some ended badly with their life gone or other hurt
I’m so sorry to hear about that. I agree medication is a real problem in many cases. I was prescribed this stuff in the 90s when I was a moderately depressed teenager. I became suicidal after trying the pills. I stopped and told the doctor. They refused to hear me and said the suicidal feelings were proof I needed the pills, and I had to try again. So I did, and again the same feeling. The doctors still refused to listen and were very condescending about it. A few years later all the warnings started getting added to the boxes saying exactly what I’d been trying to tell these pigheaded doctors.
I feel so bad. Don’t think that u r a failer. I know it’s hard but think that. U r a amazing person. Think positive.
I think for some medicine can make depression worse it did for me. I stopped taking it. Then switched to adhd meds then changed adhd meds had what seemed like a stroke weeks in on the new meds. So now I’m just expressing how I feel more even though my wife may not like what I have to say. Dialog is important. No such thing as a stupid question. Even though I feel people ask questions they do know the answer to. Just to talk.
Absolutely it is the medication. 100% correct. My ex husband killed himself while taking antidepressants as the doctor kept prescribing them to him. Doctors these days are about the money not the well being of an individual. The first question they ask in a doctors office is, “Are you depressed?” Because they don’t want you leaving the office without a script. Same with the pharmaceutical companies. All they see are dollar signs.
I feel so bad. Don’t think that u r a failer. I know it’s hard but don’t think that. U r a amazing person. Think positive.